honesty

i hate this world

not really but i hate the population

this country is an aggregator of hate

i want to be hopeful but its hard

its hard to feel any type of positivity

because of what society and culture has allowed

&

i want to make money from art

but i don’t like sharing my art outside of my friends

but my future career will revolve around society

as well as celebrity culture, and i despise both

both have a hand in the declines of education

no one reads anything anymore, at least in-depth

im a victim of this myself, but whats the point of being self-aware

especially if there’s no attempt to fix it

i hate attention

i hate being in crowds

Im scared of showing my art to other artists

i hate talking

i don’t feel right in my skin

i can’t seem to tell who i am anymore

but im not going to find it on purpose

ive skimmed myself of what i can be because of emotions

at least it feels that way

i dont like the same stuff i did when i was 17, i just have to accept that

trying to return to that only hurts what my mind is, forcing myself to believe

its okay to like stuff on the surface, you don’t always have to dig deep

but i feel the need to force myself to like stuff, and to “dig deep”

my writings are recycled ways of saying the same message

over and over again

It kinda eats at me, the words i type on this blog are forced

not the words themselves but the posts are long for no reason

it should be short because i tend to repeat myself a lot

im only bounded by myself

all the excess stuff in my life i am in complete control of

i feel regret for the past even though i shouldn’t

i recently put on a hoodie i havent worn in a few years

and there was a receipt in it dating back to august 2023

i didn’t have much of a reaction to it so i just put it back in my pocket

and i thought it was interesting when looking back

cause if it was a few months ago i’d be thinking about that time

and the only thing that’ll come to mind was “man, life was so much better then”

it seems i dropped the rose tinted glasses on the past

life isn’t better or worse, its stagnant, im just in different environments

i never really thought about it that way, theres so many times where i think im at the worst

but it’s probably the same ive always felt

life is beautiful when youre comfortable in your skin

and im almost getting there

x