life recently

ugh, stressful stressful month
haven’t felt compelled to sit down and write a post
i havent really felt compelled to do much except wallow
so many feelings i want out but cant bring myself to do it
and i dont even know why but it sucks

i keep thinking about the past
but everything seems so boring nowadays
everything feels depressing, power in apartment is out
…because of course it is
3rd time within the past 2 months, 2nd time this month?
thank god im out of this apartment in less in 2 weeks

i just want this month to be over with
everything feels so stupid, stupid, stupid
im frustrated and tired and everything and everything
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i wish it was easy to live a normal life
born normal, not have… that in my life
but i cant really change what i have now, not like i really want to
ugh this is boring

i started reading gachiakuta recently
i only got one volume in but havent had time / felt like reading it
but its great! i really love it so far
i was kinda spiraling because i didn’t know what to read
i like the concept a lot and its 100+ chapters! fun!

last week of the month is gonna be stressful
seeing the chainsaw man movie twice and seeing boris live
so im super super excited about that
and im gonna be moving out the apartment, thankfully.
all this apartment has done is caused problems recently
its getting really, really annoying

i need to start packing too, which is gonna be more annoying to deal with but its whatever
its not going to take long i just dont really wanna do it
its too much effort just moving the boxes alone which is what im worried most about
but once that’s over with, it’ll be done for

i still feel like i havent figured out what i am or what i want
and i feel its going to take a long time to figure that out
but the only real way to cope with it is to just keep going
and hope that it ends up working out.

costume

i dont know what im really doing
if anything, i feel more strapped down than i ever been
worried, stressed, all that type of stuff
and it sucks a lot

do i hate being a man?
i dont know, i dont think so
but its something i think about constantly
i want an answer but one isnt coming to me

i recently put on a wig as part of my halloween costume
fujiwara from kaguya-sama: love is war
as you may know, my favorite manga and anime
one of my favorite things ever, i want to show love for it
the choice to go as her came on a whim
i thought i should dress up and thought fujiwara would be good
and it turns out her costume was on amazon so i just got that
i wanted to go as kaguya but i dont wanna wear that wig
and the only option for her would arrive after halloween
oh yeah, back to the wig

i put it on and it felt… weird?
not in a bad way of course but it was interesting
because it seemed like… fun?
it felt comforting, like i felt something within happen
i felt.. i wouldnt say right but i loved how i looked
and it stayed on my mind for the rest of the night too

since i had that happen ive been thinking a lot about me
and who i really am as a person and its still not clear
its really confusing and whatnot
i feel happier thinking about being a different gender

stressed

11 am and i dont know what im doing
im out of my apartment in less than a month
so I gotta get out and find a new place
it shouldn’t be too hard but obviously im stressed
i havent posted here in a bit haven’t i?
not really intentional, just a stressful time
what’s been going on as of late?

class, work and fear, on repeat
i shouldn’t be stressed and im not
its going to be okay, it always is
but im beyond annoyed i suppose
blegh, being an adult absolutely sucks, i hate this
thats not really i want to write about though

ive been reading more and more manga as of late
i recently finished kaiju no 8, bloom into you and i cant say no to the lonely girl
i also finished the chainsaw man anime and the re-read the first two volumes
super great stuff, fujimoto is an absolute goat
im super excited for the movie this month and the anthology next month
so much good stuff for the rest of the year
just get through this year and it’ll be okay, just get through this

kaiju no 8 is really good, super fun shonen but nothing too crazy
bloom into you is absolutely amazing, great entry into the yuri genre
every chapter left me wanting more and i was so upset when it ended
it was also super cute, and the characters were great. i was rooting the whole time
i cant say no to the lonely girl was also cute, though i wasn’t engaged as much
i thought it was cute nonetheless, and it was a pleasure reading it
its somewhat funny to me that im a straight dude thats into yuri
to some extent, i feel bad because it feels like fetishization but its really not
i just like these stories because i hate straight stories and BL is too much at times
a very cute love story with characters who have strong emotions is a very appealing premise
to me at least, so thats why i love engaging with it a lot
also i never felt more excited reading anything than i have gl and thats saying a lot
i hope more stories end up like this because theyre all super cute

i realized recently i never really start anything i plan, everything i do is spur of the moment
for example, i was going to read nana but ended up reading kaiju no 8 instead
i was gonna read akira and read bloom into you
so on and so on
it comes to no surprise that forcing myself to do something isn’t the move
thats what i did with jpop and all that stuff
im still into it, but i forced myself too hard
and it kinda sucks because i was interested in it a bunch
but its nothing deep really, im not going to connect it to something “grander”
as theres no really strong point in doing so
caring too much about interactions with entertainment is so stupid
i shouldnt stress myself out too much about it

my brain hurts so much from everything, too much writing this semester
and only more to come as im going into journalism
and creative writing
goddddd my brain feels fuzzy, i hate it all so much
all i wanna do is read manga, lay in bed, listen to music and not be depressed
i hate so muchhhhhhh and i feel my time is being wasted
its not really that deep but it feels like it i guess
eh, ill grow up