life recently

ugh, stressful stressful month
haven’t felt compelled to sit down and write a post
i havent really felt compelled to do much except wallow
so many feelings i want out but cant bring myself to do it
and i dont even know why but it sucks

i keep thinking about the past
but everything seems so boring nowadays
everything feels depressing, power in apartment is out
…because of course it is
3rd time within the past 2 months, 2nd time this month?
thank god im out of this apartment in less in 2 weeks

i just want this month to be over with
everything feels so stupid, stupid, stupid
im frustrated and tired and everything and everything
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i wish it was easy to live a normal life
born normal, not have… that in my life
but i cant really change what i have now, not like i really want to
ugh this is boring

i started reading gachiakuta recently
i only got one volume in but havent had time / felt like reading it
but its great! i really love it so far
i was kinda spiraling because i didn’t know what to read
i like the concept a lot and its 100+ chapters! fun!

last week of the month is gonna be stressful
seeing the chainsaw man movie twice and seeing boris live
so im super super excited about that
and im gonna be moving out the apartment, thankfully.
all this apartment has done is caused problems recently
its getting really, really annoying

i need to start packing too, which is gonna be more annoying to deal with but its whatever
its not going to take long i just dont really wanna do it
its too much effort just moving the boxes alone which is what im worried most about
but once that’s over with, it’ll be done for

i still feel like i havent figured out what i am or what i want
and i feel its going to take a long time to figure that out
but the only real way to cope with it is to just keep going
and hope that it ends up working out.

costume

i dont know what im really doing
if anything, i feel more strapped down than i ever been
worried, stressed, all that type of stuff
and it sucks a lot

do i hate being a man?
i dont know, i dont think so
but its something i think about constantly
i want an answer but one isnt coming to me

i recently put on a wig as part of my halloween costume
fujiwara from kaguya-sama: love is war
as you may know, my favorite manga and anime
one of my favorite things ever, i want to show love for it
the choice to go as her came on a whim
i thought i should dress up and thought fujiwara would be good
and it turns out her costume was on amazon so i just got that
i wanted to go as kaguya but i dont wanna wear that wig
and the only option for her would arrive after halloween
oh yeah, back to the wig

i put it on and it felt… weird?
not in a bad way of course but it was interesting
because it seemed like… fun?
it felt comforting, like i felt something within happen
i felt.. i wouldnt say right but i loved how i looked
and it stayed on my mind for the rest of the night too

since i had that happen ive been thinking a lot about me
and who i really am as a person and its still not clear
its really confusing and whatnot
i feel happier thinking about being a different gender

stressed

11 am and i dont know what im doing
im out of my apartment in less than a month
so I gotta get out and find a new place
it shouldn’t be too hard but obviously im stressed
i havent posted here in a bit haven’t i?
not really intentional, just a stressful time
what’s been going on as of late?

class, work and fear, on repeat
i shouldn’t be stressed and im not
its going to be okay, it always is
but im beyond annoyed i suppose
blegh, being an adult absolutely sucks, i hate this
thats not really i want to write about though

ive been reading more and more manga as of late
i recently finished kaiju no 8, bloom into you and i cant say no to the lonely girl
i also finished the chainsaw man anime and the re-read the first two volumes
super great stuff, fujimoto is an absolute goat
im super excited for the movie this month and the anthology next month
so much good stuff for the rest of the year
just get through this year and it’ll be okay, just get through this

kaiju no 8 is really good, super fun shonen but nothing too crazy
bloom into you is absolutely amazing, great entry into the yuri genre
every chapter left me wanting more and i was so upset when it ended
it was also super cute, and the characters were great. i was rooting the whole time
i cant say no to the lonely girl was also cute, though i wasn’t engaged as much
i thought it was cute nonetheless, and it was a pleasure reading it
its somewhat funny to me that im a straight dude thats into yuri
to some extent, i feel bad because it feels like fetishization but its really not
i just like these stories because i hate straight stories and BL is too much at times
a very cute love story with characters who have strong emotions is a very appealing premise
to me at least, so thats why i love engaging with it a lot
also i never felt more excited reading anything than i have gl and thats saying a lot
i hope more stories end up like this because theyre all super cute

i realized recently i never really start anything i plan, everything i do is spur of the moment
for example, i was going to read nana but ended up reading kaiju no 8 instead
i was gonna read akira and read bloom into you
so on and so on
it comes to no surprise that forcing myself to do something isn’t the move
thats what i did with jpop and all that stuff
im still into it, but i forced myself too hard
and it kinda sucks because i was interested in it a bunch
but its nothing deep really, im not going to connect it to something “grander”
as theres no really strong point in doing so
caring too much about interactions with entertainment is so stupid
i shouldnt stress myself out too much about it

my brain hurts so much from everything, too much writing this semester
and only more to come as im going into journalism
and creative writing
goddddd my brain feels fuzzy, i hate it all so much
all i wanna do is read manga, lay in bed, listen to music and not be depressed
i hate so muchhhhhhh and i feel my time is being wasted
its not really that deep but it feels like it i guess
eh, ill grow up

morning thoughts

 its 8 in the morning currently
im sitting in bed on my laptop typing this
theres a lot of pain in the world, a sentiment i repeat often
but its true, though it doesn’t help to repeat it
bleh!

the outside world today is very pretty
the sun is still rising outside so its orange
and it looks very, very beautiful
ive been down as of late but seeing that helped a lot
makes me wanna get over some stuff
and im hanging out with a friend tomorrow
so im pretty happy about that

ive been listening to a lot of perfume!
theyre a 3 piece jpop group, produced by Yasutaka Nakata
well their first batch of singles weren’t
but their most notable ones are, and they’re amazing!
some of my favorite music
my favorite album from them from what ive heard is either JPN or GAME

im still learning the group, i know the members but im steadily learning their personalities
ive been watching interviews and all that jazz, so im personally excited
they’re a very cute group and their music is great
one of the main reasons i actually switched over to jpop from… that
it feels a lot more real, more passionate
a lot of it feels nice to look at and all that

ive been kinda into jpop for a bit
never in full swing though, for example i used to listen to puffy a lot
and ive been getting into sakurazaka46 too! (shout out to will)
its something thats been there in my life but i never thought about it 
but im glad its in full effect currently

shorter post than usual but its early in the morning
hope everyone has a good day! ill try

content

 ive been overthinking a lot as of late
mostly about my everyday life
im not sure why
… i write about the same 3 things
i really really need to get out more

i like writing but i have nothing to write about
the only thing to write really is frustration
and paranoia and everything blah blah blah
its stupid - not to feel these obviously, but 
to write and write and write about the same thing
over and over again with 0 progression
just shut up already! please!
all you ever talk about are your problems.
mention something else!

thats how i really feel
it kind of sucks
but id rather be honest with myself
then unhappy talking about the same stuff
eh, that felt too dramatic

i listened to jazz last night
i set my phone on my nightstand while i let apple music’s jazz playlist play
it was amazing. i spent the last few days in my head panicking
at that time especially, emotions were high
it was soothing, i was relaxed
string of positive emotions washed over me as i sat there
negative thoughts were beginning to permeate 
it felt like all my worries were gone in an instant
what an absolutely amazing genre
can not wait to explore it further

ive been watching the chainsaw man anime as of late
i usually dont watch anime of manga ive read
as i tried with oshi no ko and got bored very quickly
but this one blew me away
the animation, the music, the pacing
all so so so good. i love it all so much!
i cant wait for the reze arc movie next month

i love manga so much
ive been reading more and more as time goes on
and it makes me so happy
theres so much good stuff out there
and its just there, to read
phenomenal

i dont know what else i have to write right now
but i feel really good, great even
shout out to everyone

noncohesive

i hate my bed

i spend most of my time there but nothing gets done

its not particularly comfortable either

i slouch while sitting on it

my whole body is stiff trying to lay on it

i don’t like laying in my bed

… so why is it hard to get out of?

work gets done mentally and physically off of it

yet i tend to put my body in this anguish

is it even anguish? I feel like a blank wall

whatever it is, it sucks

ive been listening to a lot of lucy bedroque as of late

stumbled upon the 2010 justin bieber video and loved the song

listened to the mixtape its from as well and loved that too

also checked out prettifun per friend’s recommendation

absolutely stellar; great albums front to back

im not a big fan of much underground hiphop as of late

but this feels great to listen to, it feels unique while clearly inspired

the only problem is spotify’s sound quality… so so bad

i haven’t had a chance to import the files to my phone yet

i might in the morning

i recently finished the first part of dragon ball and wanted to read something between that and Z

so i decided to read fujimoto’s fire punch and wow… what a story

im surprirsed i was able to read it all in one day but im glad i did

its a great, heartbroken and gutwrenching story that almost got me

im a very emotional person so i’ll cry if it touches my heart enough and this almost did

i cant say much without having any spoilers but… wow.

fujimoto might be the greatest mangaka the world has ever seen

he’s only so young too… like 32 last i checked, thats really young

that young with a great selection of stories and 2 amazing series on your hands

that and being a crazy film fan, it’s very obvious with his work too which is nice

something about it feels very very nice. one of the greatest in my opinion.

manga is such an interesting format, i guess it mostly stems from me being a pseudo-weeb

im not really crazy about japan’s culture or the way they operate, quite far from it

but all my favorite movies and stories have came from japan… i mean, godzilla for crying out loud!

godzilla is a cool creature that destroys stuff and is sometimes evil and its dope every time

one of my favorite series; honestly all of tokusatsu stuff is

ive been in such a weird spot as of late

i dont feel like myself yet i feel completely intact

im inspired to create, i love what im doing, im reading more

im engaging with stories and art i love on a daily basis now

im doing so much that makes me happy so why do i feel this way?

what’s the issue? i don’t know. it’s not college or anything (surprisingly).

best not to think about it; it’s no use to think negatively

i like writing blog posts like this as i mentioned before

there’s no incentive to think hard to come up with what to write

everything comes more naturally this way

ive been wording my feelings in a way that makes me happy and i feel gets my point across

im super happy that i decided to try this new format of writing because its freeing

i talk about various topics in a way that makes sense to me

while letting my mind roam free, its nice

08.27.25

sitting outside somewhere on campus right now with like an hour to spare and im not entirely too sure what to do so im going to use this time to write… about what? not sure. earlier today i was in my creative writing class and we had to group up in pairs to write together as a group and i kinda felt alienated, i couldn’t come up with anything so i kinda just sat there not saying anything, and it felt incredibly awkward. i contributed like one idea and someone kinda looked at me weird and said something like “hm alright” which i felt kinda iffy about, then i stayed silent for the rest of the time until they asked me about the final line which i somehow contributed to. felt weird and awkward and reminded me why i work best on my own, especially with how i tend to write as a lot of my poems are more direct and straight to the point so it didn’t really mess well with the overall idea of what was going on. bleh. ive started reading dragon ball again and that’s kinda nice, its a great story so im pretty happy i continued it. i have like 2 volumes left of the original run that i might finish tonight (i will) and i’ll start Z maybe? im not really in the mood to read other manga outside of this list i have at the moment but eventually ill get to them. i was thinking of reading homunculus because it looks fire but again i have no straight idea of ehat i wanna read because it seems like theres so much to read. i might read a short manga after finishing the og dragon ball run, dbz is like 300+ chapters but theyre all like 14 pages each which i really like, faster and easier to read in the longrun. probably gonna read a lot of the collections i have that i havent gotten to (i have those “mangaka before series” collections i havent read yet). that sounds like a plan, i might just do that! (i just realized i have homework TT). that’s all i have to write about right now so i’ll post later or something, i should probably put MangaPuff to use. bleh. i just wanna go home.