noncohesive

i hate my bed

i spend most of my time there but nothing gets done

its not particularly comfortable either

i slouch while sitting on it

my whole body is stiff trying to lay on it

i don’t like laying in my bed

… so why is it hard to get out of?

work gets done mentally and physically off of it

yet i tend to put my body in this anguish

is it even anguish? I feel like a blank wall

whatever it is, it sucks

ive been listening to a lot of lucy bedroque as of late

stumbled upon the 2010 justin bieber video and loved the song

listened to the mixtape its from as well and loved that too

also checked out prettifun per friend’s recommendation

absolutely stellar; great albums front to back

im not a big fan of much underground hiphop as of late

but this feels great to listen to, it feels unique while clearly inspired

the only problem is spotify’s sound quality… so so bad

i haven’t had a chance to import the files to my phone yet

i might in the morning

i recently finished the first part of dragon ball and wanted to read something between that and Z

so i decided to read fujimoto’s fire punch and wow… what a story

im surprirsed i was able to read it all in one day but im glad i did

its a great, heartbroken and gutwrenching story that almost got me

im a very emotional person so i’ll cry if it touches my heart enough and this almost did

i cant say much without having any spoilers but… wow.

fujimoto might be the greatest mangaka the world has ever seen

he’s only so young too… like 32 last i checked, thats really young

that young with a great selection of stories and 2 amazing series on your hands

that and being a crazy film fan, it’s very obvious with his work too which is nice

something about it feels very very nice. one of the greatest in my opinion.

manga is such an interesting format, i guess it mostly stems from me being a pseudo-weeb

im not really crazy about japan’s culture or the way they operate, quite far from it

but all my favorite movies and stories have came from japan… i mean, godzilla for crying out loud!

godzilla is a cool creature that destroys stuff and is sometimes evil and its dope every time

one of my favorite series; honestly all of tokusatsu stuff is

ive been in such a weird spot as of late

i dont feel like myself yet i feel completely intact

im inspired to create, i love what im doing, im reading more

im engaging with stories and art i love on a daily basis now

im doing so much that makes me happy so why do i feel this way?

what’s the issue? i don’t know. it’s not college or anything (surprisingly).

best not to think about it; it’s no use to think negatively

i like writing blog posts like this as i mentioned before

there’s no incentive to think hard to come up with what to write

everything comes more naturally this way

ive been wording my feelings in a way that makes me happy and i feel gets my point across

im super happy that i decided to try this new format of writing because its freeing

i talk about various topics in a way that makes sense to me

while letting my mind roam free, its nice

08.27.25

sitting outside somewhere on campus right now with like an hour to spare and im not entirely too sure what to do so im going to use this time to write… about what? not sure. earlier today i was in my creative writing class and we had to group up in pairs to write together as a group and i kinda felt alienated, i couldn’t come up with anything so i kinda just sat there not saying anything, and it felt incredibly awkward. i contributed like one idea and someone kinda looked at me weird and said something like “hm alright” which i felt kinda iffy about, then i stayed silent for the rest of the time until they asked me about the final line which i somehow contributed to. felt weird and awkward and reminded me why i work best on my own, especially with how i tend to write as a lot of my poems are more direct and straight to the point so it didn’t really mess well with the overall idea of what was going on. bleh. ive started reading dragon ball again and that’s kinda nice, its a great story so im pretty happy i continued it. i have like 2 volumes left of the original run that i might finish tonight (i will) and i’ll start Z maybe? im not really in the mood to read other manga outside of this list i have at the moment but eventually ill get to them. i was thinking of reading homunculus because it looks fire but again i have no straight idea of ehat i wanna read because it seems like theres so much to read. i might read a short manga after finishing the og dragon ball run, dbz is like 300+ chapters but theyre all like 14 pages each which i really like, faster and easier to read in the longrun. probably gonna read a lot of the collections i have that i havent gotten to (i have those “mangaka before series” collections i havent read yet). that sounds like a plan, i might just do that! (i just realized i have homework TT). that’s all i have to write about right now so i’ll post later or something, i should probably put MangaPuff to use. bleh. i just wanna go home. 

more thoughts

existence of a future feels incredibly futile
its mostly due to the fact that its improbable to conceptualize
the future is impossible, to some extent
i don’t really plan anything in my life
i wake up and keep going and whatever situation i find myself in
it just ends up that way.
it feels so immature to live that way, but it hasn’t killed me yet
and that kinda surprises me
…not really, i still plan the more important things in my life

im kind of scared of a lot in my life
scared by deadlines, scared by my job, scared by what life is
a lot of these thoughts pass by my head like its the wind
it feels like a burden a lot of the time but its what life is
life isn’t a burden, it can never be one, but everything else is a burden
to some extent, the human body and mind is an amazing feat
the fact our bodies can do anything that is does is amazing
i often think about what has happened to get to this point
how so many people on earth can think, speak, interact, walk on 2 legs
how evolution created what we consider the perfect body to live in
the mind is also an achievement. how people operate it and how vast it can be is amazing

im starting to feel like im becoming figured out as a person
it feels liberating, like this is what i am
comfortable in my own skin
im really the one and only of my kind
the coolest to ever exist and the best to do it

it sounds like im bragging or whatever but im not

these words with the realization just make me feel better

i guess it's to help me cope with something but im not sure what

i mentioned before but the past is something i think less of as i move on

my past mistakes and past regrets don't mean much anymore 

at least to me

but they help guide me to not mess up

i appreciate them a fair bit for making me what i am

ruminating on the past is lame.. it only makes things worse

i feel i have an identity crisis everytime i start thinking about it and it's annoying

the past is the past but it feels present

08.23.25

rough week but we still move. i don’t really want to get into details because that’s not what i want the blog to be (i’ve been blogging for 3 years and i still don't know what i want from any from my blogs). the last post was an experiment to writing my emotions in a loose structure and have it split up by thoughts, and it felt great to let my mind wander in a way it hasn’t had a chance to. it’s my personal favorite post on this blog so far. i hope i can allow myself to write in that manner going forward as i feel its going to become a standard on the blog. the way i was writing blog posts on top of writing in my own personal journal kinda felt tiring because it would feel like i was forcing myself to write a bunch of stuff that i didn’t feel like i needed to. i recently got caught up with Spy X Family and its weird, of course i like it still but the recent chapters don’t really feel as strong about them as much as i did with the earlier stuff. the plot is progressing greatly as of late which is no surprise, but that’s as far as i can without delving deep into spoilers. Chainsaw Man is great! it’s been lacking with this arc in my opinion but it’s really been picking up the past couple of chapters (chapters 210 and 212 are absolutely amazing) and im super excited to see where the story goes. i mentioned as of late ive been reading Dragon Ball and while that’s true, i have not read anything in weeks. it’s a great story and i love it a lot but i, for some reason, do not have it in me to continue, im guessing its a Goodnight Punpun situation where i put it on pause for a bit and then finish it months later. im disappointed because i do want to finish it but for some reason i just don’t want to. Huh. anyways i’ve been listening to a LOT of Marjorie -W.C. Sinclair as of late and im very glad i do because he’s amazing. can’t wait to see him in November :> that’s all i have to write for now so i’ll catch you later.

honesty

i hate this world

not really but i hate the population

this country is an aggregator of hate

i want to be hopeful but its hard

its hard to feel any type of positivity

because of what society and culture has allowed

&

i want to make money from art

but i don’t like sharing my art outside of my friends

but my future career will revolve around society

as well as celebrity culture, and i despise both

both have a hand in the declines of education

no one reads anything anymore, at least in-depth

im a victim of this myself, but whats the point of being self-aware

especially if there’s no attempt to fix it

i hate attention

i hate being in crowds

Im scared of showing my art to other artists

i hate talking

i don’t feel right in my skin

i can’t seem to tell who i am anymore

but im not going to find it on purpose

ive skimmed myself of what i can be because of emotions

at least it feels that way

i dont like the same stuff i did when i was 17, i just have to accept that

trying to return to that only hurts what my mind is, forcing myself to believe

its okay to like stuff on the surface, you don’t always have to dig deep

but i feel the need to force myself to like stuff, and to “dig deep”

my writings are recycled ways of saying the same message

over and over again

It kinda eats at me, the words i type on this blog are forced

not the words themselves but the posts are long for no reason

it should be short because i tend to repeat myself a lot

im only bounded by myself

all the excess stuff in my life i am in complete control of

i feel regret for the past even though i shouldn’t

i recently put on a hoodie i havent worn in a few years

and there was a receipt in it dating back to august 2023

i didn’t have much of a reaction to it so i just put it back in my pocket

and i thought it was interesting when looking back

cause if it was a few months ago i’d be thinking about that time

and the only thing that’ll come to mind was “man, life was so much better then”

it seems i dropped the rose tinted glasses on the past

life isn’t better or worse, its stagnant, im just in different environments

i never really thought about it that way, theres so many times where i think im at the worst

but it’s probably the same ive always felt

life is beautiful when youre comfortable in your skin

and im almost getting there

x

back to back !!

sometimes i wonder if theres ever going to be several counts of repetition that goes on during these posts, since all i talk about are things i like and thats... pretty much what my life is at the moment. huh. it's just interesting to think about as it used to be a pretty common occurrence on the old old blog, and even one on the julienet blog. i wonder what i can do to be considered "comfortable" though im not sure when that would be. ideally i would love to live on my own but that's not going to happen for a long time (i miss the old julienet lair) but i should be able to make peace with what i have now right? i think so. but for some reason that's just not clicking to me, though i want that to be the case. i can never seem to find comfort in the ways i truly want to because there feels like there's a current problem, at all times. its really annoying too! bleh, i shouldn't be dumpiong so many emotions into my own little happy place, i feel like that's a disaster waiting to happen down the line. anywho, whats been going on in the world of stolenartvalor... hmmm... i dont know honestly. nothing really crazy, nothing bad though so thats good. just, everyday ol life. for better or worse. i really like spy x family. thats kinda out of nowhere but im thinking about the art style again and its so good. i love the way tatsuya endo draws faces. yor's smiling face is one of my favorite designs ever: 

 

such a good design, of course i like a lot of anya's expressions too, as i feel theyre also a pretty big staple of the series:

 (source)

 

a lot of endo's art is very eye-catching, to me at least. im not really sure what it is specifically but i think its the way he draws characters, their round faces and face structures give a lot of leeway for expressions, which endo does VERY well as shown throughout the manga, even his art for Blade of The Moon Princess is eye-catching in a great way! i really love his art and it alone is one of the biggest draws for his series for me. i really love seeing what other art people have made, for example, my introduction to Aka Hackasaka was Oshi No Ko... however i read Kaguya-Sama: Love Is War and that ended up being my favorite manga! still is! i even own the japanese doujinshis (no, not those kinds...)! theyre cool, theyre the only manga i own in japanese and might end up being my only ones just on virtue that i like reading the copies of manga i have so itd kinda suck if i couldn't, though i do wanna get a japanese set of Goodnight Punpun since the japanese sets are so much cheaper than the full Viz Selects series (that and i just don't like viz selects much) so im looking into it. i have a lot of love and admiration for manga so im glad i collect it and all that jazz. oh i should read dr. slump after i finish the first part of dragon ball since its another series by the same dude (rip btw what a legend) but again, i have so much on my reading list that i dont even know where to start. im more than likely going to keep reading dragon ball until i finish Z since all chapters are 14 pages apparently (that took me by surprise, i figured Z would be much much longer chapter wise). im pretty excited as i said because i love this series a lot so far, absolute classic. i can see why it's highly regarded as much as it is. i honestly might read super after im done too but i might be too tired to read manga much (or i could go insane and read like 100+ chapters in a day for several days in a row... thats what i did with Chainsaw Man)butn again, i don't know. im super into it though so it might be a fast read... i read like 5 volumes of Dragon Ball this morning alone. im hoping to have the series (dragon ball at least) done by monday and for Z to be done by... not sure but i'll probably read it quick. realistically, i could have it done before the month ends (and i probably will), for superrrrr im not too sure but im sure i can get it done before october. ew, the future. i should get a new wardrobe. ive been thinking about it for a bit and i think id be happier if i got new clothes, i want to get a cute bag with accessories on it. i didn't expect to write this much for 2 nights in a row so im gonna head off for the night, it was fun writing! i hope i can take a break lol. im probably going to have another post out before the end of the week but i cant promise anything. seeya! 

monday

i cant wait for this weekend to be over with. i need a monday off every once in a while.

08.09.25

new week new stuff, i think at least. i recently started reading Dragon Ball and its great! i decided to write down a list of what manga to read and what i was interested in (there's 43 titles right now) and Dragon Ball was the most interested so i decided to start there first, im only 3 volumes in but its amazing! i love how the characters interact with their surroundings and each other. its very funny but also very dated but it works really well that way. im super excited to finish it tho! i think after that im going to read.. hm.... let me pick in real time. drumroll please (pretend theres drumrolls here) Mob Psycho 100! i might change my mind but i wanna take a break before returning to DBZ (im scared of its length) but i might read something else shonen jump too. ive been on a shonen jump kick as of late so who knows, i just wanna finish Dragon Ball first though. im glad i started reading manga because wowww it feels semi rewarding when you finish a series, at least to me. its kinda cool to know like... wow i read a lot already. im not particualy interested in all the biggest ones but the list i have right now im pretty happy with. i dont know if i wanna get to the big series yet (large # of chapters, not popularity) but i feel i wont regret it when i do, i really wanna read gantz too so i honestly might read that soon. Dragon Ball Z is tempting but, again, if we count both the original run and Z, that's over 500 chapters and i really don't wanna read that right now. i might honestly start Blade Of The Moon Princess. i'm really into Tatsuya Endo's character designs and i really love the story to Spy X Family so far so i'm definitely interested in seeing what else he's done. i wanna read the light novel and the Four Lives Remain, which is a collection of his works pre Spy x Family. i really love looking at those, i have the two for Chainsaw Man and they're both really great to flip through. i should probably read the full thing at some point lol. yeah im probably going to start Blade of the Moon Princess. wow, i already changed my mind like 4 different times just from writing this post. how convenient. surely i won't change my mind yet again! i think thats the problem, i tend to overthink every little aspect of my life when i should and its killed me (i really need to go to therapy) so many time. so many quick decisions and so many other things because i always choose by what im thinking at the current moment and not in the longrun. i was working earlier today when it just hit me like... i can just read this stuff later. im a 20 year old for god sake, i should be able to read stuff properly and not panic because there's more than one option, and hell, i won't even feel this way tomorrow morning! thats what i hate about overthinking but... eugh forget it. i talk so much about these problems but don't fix any of them, let's talk about what i love but dont talk about! i wrote a post on tumblr not too long ago outlining a lot of the stuff i dont tend to talk about usually but still have a strong love over. it should come to very little surprise that i have a fondness for earthbound, i mean its a pretty funny and cool game, i love how unique it is and how out there it is. i mostly love the art style and the color choices. the brightness of Onett is a clear example of what im talking about because its just SO bright and colorful and it pleases my eyes a bunch. the green grass and the blue water, the sidewalks and building colors.. ooooooh so so good. i haven't played it in a long long time but i dont think i'd have the time for it now, at least to beat it in the manner i want to. there's this youtuber named MonkeyNess that makes AMAZING videos about the game and is what sparked my interest in the franchise again. my favorite video about earthbound he's done is about earthbound's development and cut content because im an absolute sucker for those types of videos. he also does really great videos analyzing the game too and his most recent one about poo and summers is my most favorite. incredibly well done. another thing i love a lot is Yakuza. i just love love LOVE yakuza, it's probably my favorite game series of all time (speaking of which i need to finish Y5 after... 2 years... welp.) and each game is so stunning in their own right. i have a lot of fun memories with the series and i just LOVE exploring every single crevis of each city and interacting. it should come to no surprise that i am quite fond of the karaoke minigame, its my favorite one, and i keep trying to grind baka mitai until i get 1,000 points (im at 990) but i will ge there eventually. talking about this reminds me of winter 2022 for some reason. the games are really, really fun though. wow 2022 was 3 years ago, huh. weird. i also love bowling! it's quite possibly the greatest sport maybe ever. i am absolutely awful at it but it's just so much fun. the 2019 LOONA vlive where they bowled is such a huge inspiration to me that i sat down and watched the full thing. it has got to be one of the most important pieces of art within the last decade. i just get a thrill looking hitting the pins, if a game im playing has a bowling minigame, i grind it heavily (yakuza 5 has one i really like). i really love rhythym games too. ive been playing DJ4D and Taiko a lot lagtely and its just SO MUCH FUNNNNNN. i cant stress it enough. it's fun being in rhythm. the only other thing i can mention right now that i have a strong love of is Japanese movies. some of my favorite movies of all time are Japanese (no surprises) and it kinda shows. some of my favorites are The Happiness Of The Katakuris, House, Love Exposure and Audition. these are all great in one way or another but I prefer comedy musical horror movies so my favorite is Happiness Of The Katakuris. 

second time i fell asleep writing a blog post ughhh. i gotta stop. thankfully i was running out of things to write about so it was probably for the better. hope everyone is doing well!

overslept

i seriously need to come up with a new name for the blog, i mean its a death grips reference but it feels so jarringly different with the blog's tone (which i also need to change the theme for too, this one uses the old one from the julienet blog and those days are over) but i don't know what to name it to! not sure if this is a normal conundrum but it's something ive been thinking about since i started this blog actually. i feel i have a good name in me but i want one that encapsulates something, actually i dont care about that! i want a cool name that's cool! a cool name is what makes it worth it imo. not much has happened in the past 2 days really worth commenting on, but i felt like making a post because why not? i was reading the old old blog and saw i was making a post every few days and i wanted to try that again! maybe not to the extent of those posts because a lot of them were just... long for no reason other than proving to myself i can write a bunch, which i proved that i can i guess. it was kinda lame because i felt like i was just wasting my time making posts just to say i have posts and like,,,, LAME! that's lame. thats super lame. i really love maintaining this blog, i love the process of just writing whatever and also choosing its themes and whatnot. i just changed the theme of the blog and it looks nicer so all i need now is a name... hm.... stolenartvalor? i guess? too lame, thats my online username. ohhh wait, "the blog of the coolest person ever", perfect! its true too, i really am the coolest person ever so i might as well. i should test my words per minute, see how fast i can type on this chromebook that ive been using for my blogs since 2022... wow, 3 years almost and the only problem is the camera stopped working. thats kinda impressive, anyways, my wpm: 78wpm... not bad but its not as good as i want it to be. i wouldve expected a much higher rate because i think the highest i ever gotten on this is a 92. blegh theres so much going on in my brain so let me do this real quick to clear my mind:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN AHHHH AHHHH I AM SO STRESSED OUT AND WORRIED FOR NO REAL REASONNNNN I START COLLEGE IN A FEW DAYS AND I HAVEN'T CHECKED ANYTHING LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHEN MY CLASSES START OR WHERE THEY'RE AT AND THATS STRESSING ME OUT LIKE I CANT JUST CHECK I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF ON MY MIND AND I NEED TO GET IT OUT I HATE MODERN SOCIETY I THINK POP CULTURE IS BEING CONTROLLED AND ITS RUINING WHAT LIFE WE HAVE NOW I HAVE TO MOVE SOON AND IDK WHERE IM GOING AND THAT'S STRESSING ME OUT WAY MORE THAN IT SHOULD I HATE MY JOB I HATE TWITTER I HATE EMOTIONS I HATE THAT CREATIVITY NETS YOU NOTHING WORTHY UNLESS YOU'RE LUCKY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M GOOD AT ART AT LEAST ENOUGH TO TAKE OFF DOING ART FOR OTHERS BUT I HAVE NO LUCK WHATSOEVER IN ANYTHING AND ITS KILLING ME I LOVE MAKING ART THO SO IM GOING TO CONTINUE BUT LIKE COME ON I WANNA MAKE A BAND OR TWO I NEED FREEDOM I NEEEEEDDDDD FREEDOM I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY BUT SO LITTLE WORDS TO SAY THEM ALTHOUGH ALL I DO IS WRITE A BUNCH OF JUNK ON THE INTERNET INTO A VOID AGHHHH AGH AGH AGH I HATE COLLEGE.

okay, better now. at least i think i am. ive been thinking so much about this stuff and haven't gotten out in a tangible way so everything has been getting in the way because ive been thinking too much about it. at least to me thats what it seems like. finally moved over to typing on my phone and this feels much nicer. i can write while laying down which my body needs + listening to the music i want to which is nice, feels much better i guess. i don't know why i never got any of what i written out, or better wording, why i spent so long to have it come out. i kinda wish it wasn't through the blog but i guess it's better than it not coming out at all, so that's one way of thinking about it. i think i need to finish spy x family, I have all the volumes but since LOONA has came back into my life I haven't gotten to it. i think I'll read it tomorrow morning if I have the time, im currently on volume 12. i did read excerpts from the fanbook and it was really cool, i like the concept art shown and the writing was cool, I love seeing art made for apps finally get print and sns drawings also get in too as I think they're pretty important too, that and it's cute seeing them. 

bleh i fell asleep while writing this. surprised i even finished on a cohesive sentence. strongly recommend Sweet Things by Ai Aso, amazing song. that's all for now. see you later!